People warned me to be careful with who I chose to lose my virginity to. Apparently it’s hard to get over your first.. And since I know I’m kind of emotionally detached, I thought it’d be easy. I thought I was in control of the situation but it backfired.
When you called me at midnight to “chill” I knew I wasn’t coming back a virgin. My biggest no no was losing it in a car but that night I didn’t care I just wanted to feel this with you. It hurt so bad that my nails dug into your back. But you stopped because of your guilty conscience saying that I deserved better than your car.
We didn’t speak for a while but the next time I see you I let you cum in my mouth. And I swallowed because it’s you and I didn’t know it at the time but I loved you. A few days later we have sex again in your car but it sucked because the angles were weird and it hurt like the first time. I’m so embarrassed when you tell me it’s okay and that there’s always next time. But I mutter that there’s not going to be a next time because we’ll break up before then. And we do break up.
I’m drunk but sober enough to know what I’m doing. You come over and pull me close but I’m trying to push you away. You say we’re not broken up, you can’t break up with me because we had bad sex. Then I say no I want to forget you I’m tired. But you pull my shorts down anyway and you fuck me on the floor. It’s so nice and I want to cry because I know you’re lying when you say you’ll call me in the morning and that you love me too. I’m crying now and you promise me you’ll call, that we’ll talk about it.
But you never called or answered my texts. My mom says our relationship is toxic, that all this back and forth isn’t healthy for me. But no one understands that I’m not alive until you come around. I’m not alive until you call, I’m not alive until you kiss me and call me yours again. And I’m scared that now we’ll just be strangers with memories.