The Mistakes I’ve Made

People warned me to be careful with who I chose to lose my virginity to. Apparently it’s hard to get over your first.. And since I know I’m kind of emotionally detached, I thought it’d be easy. I thought I was in control of the situation but it backfired.

When you called me at midnight to “chill” I knew I wasn’t coming back a virgin. My biggest no no was losing it in a car but that night I didn’t care I just wanted to feel this with you. It hurt so bad that my nails dug into your back. But you stopped because of your guilty conscience saying that I deserved better than your car.

We didn’t speak for a while but the next time I see you I let you cum in my mouth. And I swallowed because it’s you and I didn’t know it at the time but I loved you. A few days later we have sex again in your car but it sucked because the angles were weird and it hurt like the first time. I’m so embarrassed when you tell me it’s okay and that there’s always next time. But I mutter that there’s not going to be a next time because we’ll break up before then. And we do break up.

I’m drunk but sober enough to know what I’m doing. You come over and pull me close but I’m trying to push you away. You say we’re not broken up, you can’t break up with me because we had bad sex. Then I say no I want to forget you I’m tired. But you pull my shorts down anyway and you fuck me on the floor. It’s so nice and I want to cry because I know you’re lying when you say you’ll call me in the morning and that you love me too. I’m crying now and you promise me you’ll call, that we’ll talk about it.

But you never called or answered my texts. My mom says our relationship is toxic, that all this back and forth isn’t  healthy for me. But no one understands that I’m not alive until you come around. I’m not alive until you call, I’m not alive until you kiss me and call me yours again. And I’m scared that now we’ll just be strangers with memories. 


One thought on “The Mistakes I’ve Made

  1. Oh darling. I wish I can give you a giant hug for real.

    My cheating ex was my first too. And we started out in an on/off way like Sean and you.

    I know what you mean when you said that you were not alive until he kissed you. I went through the exact same emotions.

    I know that telling you the relationship is toxic wouldn’t help. (I had my fair share of friends telling me that too). I know that telling you to leave him will only make you pine for him even more (my friends threatened to leave me and the threats didn’t work).

    All I can say at this point, is that you deserve a love that is good and healthy for you. One day, when you are ready to leave him, the love will come to you.

    And one day, when you are strong enough to leave him, you’ll be glad that you chose the most difficult decision.

    Take as much time as you need. But one day, when you are ready, it will be scary and difficult, and then it’ll be so much better.

    Because you deserve the best kind of love.


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