Month: October 2015

My Bestfriend VS

 My bestfriend is a very beautiful woman. She’s funny, bold, confident and sexy. She’s the type of girl everybody wants to know regardless of her resting bitch face. 

 We’ve known each other for about four years and never have I ever heard voice her insecurities. It came to me as a surprise one night when we were drinking at a sleepover that she felt like she should experiment. “I’m in college and I don’t ever really have any fun. All I talk to is fuckboys.” She told me that she could only do it with a friend, someone she truly trusts. We talked about how to find each other a girl because out of the three of us, I’m the only one who is bisexual.

 Things began to change after that.. I could feel my feelings towards her change, as if I was seeing her in a whole new light. Jealousy would arrise when she would mention a potential guy or when she had slept with someone. But I know she felt it too. One late night she told me she was tired of being used by guys. That she felt no one would ever love her, she admitted she was crying. I told her she was amazing and just had to be patient. Then we never bought it up again. Soon after she would get on my case and was bratty, almost as if she was a girlfriend who didn’t like that I was out too late.

 Then one day I said hey I’m sorry I was feeling weird and now I’m over it. And just like that we were normal again. She also admitted she felt the shift in our friendship. A month later I told her I didn’t volunteer for the “experiment” because if guys use her for sex.. Wouldn’t I be just as bad as those guys? And I’m supposedly her bestfriend…

 Weeks go by, we never bring it up again. Experimentation or sex in general. We have another sleepover and somehow boobs are brought up. I remember her flashing me but we were so drunk we laughed about it. Then last night the two of us were sitting in the car and she starts playing with my hair, caressing my arm and thigh. Every time I mention M she backs off and mentions her potential boyfriend. I’m left more confused after each hang out. Does she like me or is she just curious? And will the tension, so to speak, continue to grow if I or if she was to get in a relationship?

The Cycle

My first sexual experience was at the age of 16. I remember being upset about a recent break up with the guy who would later on break my heart for the 5th and final time. The next experience was after my grandfather passed away. I couldn’t handle losing the only father I ever knew.. The 4th heart break led me to my next experience. I know it’s sad that I can recall every single sexual experience I’ve ever had but like I said it’s a cycle, a pattern if you really think about it. The first time I had sex was because I needed a distraction and also the intimacy that came along with it. The second time was because I was afraid he would cheat and leave. And the third time was because I thought it’d make him stay and we would reconcile. It wasn’t until now I realized that I used sex and pleasure as a distraction from my emotions. I never did anything just for fun or because I really wanted to. 

I think that’s why I’m so confused. After meeting you and knowing you, I can’t come up with a reason to do anything with you other than because I want to and because I want you. Sad thing is I don’t feel like you want me or like me even though you say you do because you don’t try to get into my pants. It’s so fucked up that I need to feel somewhat sexually harassed in order to feel good. But I’m willing to try to be less insecure because you’re a gentleman and because deep down I know you deserve better.