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The Cycle

My first sexual experience was at the age of 16. I remember being upset about a recent break up with the guy who would later on break my heart for the 5th and final time. The next experience was after my grandfather passed away. I couldn’t handle losing the only father I ever knew.. The 4th heart break led me to my next experience. I know it’s sad that I can recall every single sexual experience I’ve ever had but like I said it’s a cycle, a pattern if you really think about it. The first time I had sex was because I needed a distraction and also the intimacy that came along with it. The second time was because I was afraid he would cheat and leave. And the third time was because I thought it’d make him stay and we would reconcile. It wasn’t until now I realized that I used sex and pleasure as a distraction from my emotions. I never did anything just for fun or because I really wanted to. 

I think that’s why I’m so confused. After meeting you and knowing you, I can’t come up with a reason to do anything with you other than because I want to and because I want you. Sad thing is I don’t feel like you want me or like me even though you say you do because you don’t try to get into my pants. It’s so fucked up that I need to feel somewhat sexually harassed in order to feel good. But I’m willing to try to be less insecure because you’re a gentleman and because deep down I know you deserve better.


The Mistakes I’ve Made

People warned me to be careful with who I chose to lose my virginity to. Apparently it’s hard to get over your first.. And since I know I’m kind of emotionally detached, I thought it’d be easy. I thought I was in control of the … Continue reading The Mistakes I’ve Made


I wish I would have known

I’ve known him for years… And if I would have known what I know now, I wouldn’t have set foot in his house. Never in a million years did I ever think I would fall in love with him. But I did. I can’t tell … Continue reading I wish I would have known