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The Cycle

My first sexual experience was at the age of 16. I remember being upset about a recent break up with the guy who would later on break my heart for the 5th and final time. The next experience was after my grandfather passed away. I couldn’t handle losing the only father I ever knew.. The 4th heart break led me to my next experience. I know it’s sad that I can recall every single sexual experience I’ve ever had but like I said it’s a cycle, a pattern if you really think about it. The first time I had sex was because I needed a distraction and also the intimacy that came along with it. The second time was because I was afraid he would cheat and leave. And the third time was because I thought it’d make him stay and we would reconcile. It wasn’t until now I realized that I used sex and pleasure as a distraction from my emotions. I never did anything just for fun or because I really wanted to. 

I think that’s why I’m so confused. After meeting you and knowing you, I can’t come up with a reason to do anything with you other than because I want to and because I want you. Sad thing is I don’t feel like you want me or like me even though you say you do because you don’t try to get into my pants. It’s so fucked up that I need to feel somewhat sexually harassed in order to feel good. But I’m willing to try to be less insecure because you’re a gentleman and because deep down I know you deserve better.